We all know someone who has been in crisis. Like most people, I’ve always been willing to lend a hand, but what does it truly mean to support someone in a time of need?

Recently, my own health crisis made me rethink the meaning of support. Being on the receiving end of help gave me a new perspective on what is genuinely useful versus what is merely well-intentioned. When we want to offer support, we often use phrases like “Let me know if there is anything I can do” or “Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything.” These statements show we care and are ready to help, but are they really effective?

For background, in December 2023, I had some initial symptoms that were debilitating. I didn’t know I had cancer yet, but I was unable to get out of bed for weeks. My wife had to assume all responsibilities around the house and take care of me every day. We needed help from others, but it was difficult to gather much support. As my deterioration progressed and I was finally diagnosed with cancer, more people were willing to help and many showed support, but it still sometimes felt hard to get someone to actually do something.

When someone says, “Let me know if there is anything I can do,” is that person willing to do things like laundry? My wife needed help with the simplest, most mundane things you can imagine: laundry, dishes, cooking, taking out the garbage, cleaning, running errands, and grocery shopping. As priorities shifted to my full-time care, my wife had little time or energy left for the daily and weekly tasks. Yet, when my wife asked for help with some of these things, she was occasionally met with a brush-off like, “Don’t worry about that now,” or even a flat-out “no.”

It’s essential to approach helping with empathy rather than just sympathy. Empathy involves understanding and sharing the feelings of others, while sympathy is more about feeling pity. Empathy drives us to take meaningful actions that alleviate burdens. It is what makes us feel as if we are in that person’s shoes. And if you can imagine being in their shoes, what would you need?

From our experience, the most helpful support came from specific offers. General statements like “Let me know if you need anything” place the burden on the person in crisis to identify and ask for help. Chances are the person in crisis is already swamped with whatever it is that’s causing the crisis. Their time, energy and focus is on that matter. They probably don’t have time to call you and ‘let you know’ and don’t have the energy to make another decision about ‘what they need.’ My wife and I had zero time to spare and had been making more decisions than we ever wanted to make. All we needed was for people to tell us how they were going to help by doing something helpful.

We had a friend who would text, “I’m going to Costco tomorrow. Can I get anything for you? I can drop it off on your doorstep.” This was incredibly valuable to us. My wife didn’t have to make a phone call and she didn’t have to make a decision about what kind of help she needed. All she did was text over a shopping list while sitting by my side. Another great example was our neighbor who would drop off cooked meals without even asking us. It was so helpful to have other people do some of our decision making and tedious tasks. We had many people drop off cooked meals which was probably the biggest need we had. My in-laws cleaned our house for us when no one was home. Another neighbor shoveled us out every time it snowed. My wife’s friends would pick up her Target order and drop it at our door. Some of my friends from high school took the initiative to get others to send me gift cards for DoorDash or groceries so I could eat well while in the hospital. For all of these helpful things, we are extremely appreciative.

I also noticed that people would contact me and say, “I haven’t reached out yet because I didn’t want to bother you.” In reality, I was never bothered by someone contacting me. In fact, I was always touched by the gesture and wished for more. A few people who checked in regularly with text messages would say, “No need to reply, but I just wanted to say hello and let you know I’m thinking of you.” I found this approach to be great since I didn’t need to respond if I wasn’t feeling well or was too busy. These messages always gave me encouragement.

To summarize, here are the best ways to help someone in crisis:

  1. Be empathetic, not just sympathetic.
  2. Be proactive and suggest ways you can help remove burdens.
  3. Don’t be afraid to check in regularly.

Take Away: Those in crisis may not be able to reach out for help, but they surely need it. Offer concrete and tangible ways in which you can relieve their burdens.

If you are interested in some additional reading, take a look at this brief article from the LA Times about “How Not to Say the Wrong Thing.” This article maps out the Ring Theory which has rules and boundaries about who can say what to whom when in the midst of a crisis.